The plan was to get here around 4pm yesterday, but, like everything else this week, obstacles arose. I started not feeling well around 11am--a combo of nerves, tiredness, and other stuff, and we ended up not even leaving home until around 5pm. We got into San Juan Capistrano at 6:30 and checked into our room. First floor, 2 queen-sized beds and a little private patio. Not bad for $85 a night.
We couldn't do anything but unpack and get some dinner and we were both tired. We drove down Ortega Highway to Pedro's Tacos and got some take-out to bring back to the room. Then we took turns checking email on my computer and watching a replay of the Golden Globes, which I didn't have a chance to see last week because I was at dinner at the neighbors' house. I'm glad Kate Winslet won twice. She's great.
I slept like a rock until Bailey woke me up at 4:30am to go outside. It took me until 5:30 to get back to sleep and then I slept like a rock again until 8:30. My body is desperate for some rest and relaxation. This has been a hard week: the anticipation for those visits, the visits themselves, and then the scary news on Thursday.
I'll be honest. Thursday's news feels like a cloud hanging over me. I'm nervous and touchy and I feel like I can't completely enjoy anything. This morning my mom said something that set me off and the tears came again. I was talking to a colleague on Friday who is in the same position as me and I was amazed at her attitude. She was like, "Well, if it happens, it happens. Maybe it just means that teaching it not the career for me." I was dumbfounded. Granted, she's a lot younger than me, but she also has a house to think about holding onto. I don't know where she gets the strength to be so upbeat because I know I'm struggling right now.
So right now I'm in the hotel room about to take Bailey for a walk. My mom is at Denny's taking her turn with breakfast. I wish I felt better. I wish I wasn't so sensitive right now. I wish I could be more positive. I wish a lot of things.
The one thing I'm holding onto right now is that usually I'm pretty intuitive and my gut tells me that everything will work out OK. Despite all of the near-misses on seniority issues at work, things have always worked out. I'm trying to hold onto that fact. But it is the uncertainty that keeps on creeping back in and messing me up. What I wouldn't give to just fast forward in time and know what's going to happen.
This is what you get when you Google the words "time machine..."
1 comment:
Despite the wait, I'm sure once you are over the initial shock of it, you WILL feel more positive x
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